The Journey of Learning to Walk with God

I want to feel like I can handle life and all that is in it. I want to imagine myself flying, running, and walking through every battle and trial... except sometimes it is just too hard for me. I get weary, tired, faint.

³⁰ Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted;
³¹ but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40:30-31 (ESV)

I missed a month of doing my regular devotional blog post because I honestly had nothing I could write. In December, I wrote that I felt empty. Well, in January, I felt emptier. So, when February's due date came around, I prayed that God would give me something this time.

I like doing these devotionals because I often preach to myself, but I really can't do them when I feel spiritually empty. This can happen to me even when I am doing Bible reading, praying, attending church, and all the right things. It's just the times when I have nothing to give, and I need to introvert for a while. I honestly don't know how pastors do it on a weekly basis!

So when I prayed, this verse came to mind. It was perfect because it both ministered to me and reminded me of my youngest son. He is learning to walk.

Learning to walk is a strange thing that most of us see as being a given. I am the oldest of my cousins on my mom's side. I remember all my cousins being born, but I don't remember them learning to walk. They just did by osmosis or something. This phenomenon occurs for all typically developing children. For special needs children, it isn't so simple.

My oldest son, who has special needs, was a late walker. He didn't crawl, roll, or squirm to travel. He just decided one day to walk. This is very typical of his personality. The problem was that he didn't know how to walk. Since he never crawled or traveled any other way, he never learned how to fall properly either. He wouldn't sit on his rump when he lost balance or catch himself with his hands. Nope. He fell like a plank. SPLAT!

As caring parents, this was very distressing, so we followed him around everywhere he went, trying to catch him before he could hurt himself. It felt like I was developing an ape-like stoop to my back. It isn't the one-hundredth time you catch your child that you remember, it's the one time you didn't. Unfortunately, he ended up with a couple of goose eggs and a busted chin before he mastered walking. I have no illusions of being a perfect parent, and my aim isn't so great either.

Now my youngest son is the opposite of my oldest in nearly all things, even though he, too, is special needs. My youngest was eager to get moving as early as possible. He rolled across the room as soon as he could be. Then he experimented with crawling, but found it frustrating that he kept moving backward. It wasn't long before he decided that walking was far superior to the other methods. He just didn't realize it required moving his feet... both of them. Instead, he would will himself forward, headfirst.

At least, he does know how to catch himself... sort of. Multiple times, I would turn around to see him doing a headstand with one leg still in his walker. Because he can't hear, he didn't see a need to cry out. He would just calmly be in the headstand, waiting for me to rescue him.

When walking without his walker, he would move where he wanted to go and expect me to catch him if he didn't make it. No caution. No worry. Just movement.

Getting goose eggs is not a good option for this son, though. He has a $20,000- $60,000 cochlear implant that can get damaged. It isn't so much that I'm not worried about his poor little head, but I am worried about him going through another surgery to repair a damaged device and bankrupting us. His poor little head is now as valuable as a Ming vase in the hands of a kamikaze toddler.

So what does this have to do with these verses?

It seems to me it would be easier not to make these children walk at all and just carry them around or plop them on the couch in front of the television set. Of course, once they get bigger, that isn't so fun for us as a parent, but it would be easier for the child to not get those lumps and bumps, right? Only very temporarily. All parents long for their children to walk, no matter how hard it is. God is like this, too. The verses above are talking about a difficult trial, a marathon, so hard that the young men who are in shape and have stamina can't finish it. It would be much easier if these verses were more like the famous poem "Footprints in the Sand."

(excerpt of just the ending)

"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

Author: Carolyn Joyce Carty

I think there are times when God does carry us, just as we do with our own children, to comfort and soothe, so don't get me wrong. But in my life, God often has me walk. Honestly, just like my children, I WANT to walk. I don't want to feel helpless or incapable. I want to feel like I can handle life and all that is in it. I want to imagine myself flying, running, and walking through every battle and trial... except sometimes it is just too hard for me. I get weary, tired, faint. Sometimes I want to plop down on my floor and have a tantrum over how unfair life is and how hard walking through it has become.

The thing is, God isn't just running behind us to catch us like I am with my son. God actually gives us the power and energy to do it. HE renews our strength like that massive cup of coffee I reach for when I haven't slept well. This is for our own good, too. It's hard to function when you're tired. He keeps us in the race or trial, though. We are learning how to walk with the abilities he has given us, how to live this life each day, to fight the battles and finish the races. He wants us to do it and to feel the satisfaction of the accomplishment, just like a child's exhilaration at learning to walk on their own.

I find it interesting that those who wait upon the Lord fly, then run, then walk instead of the reverse. It is almost like the journey is getting harder, like a marathon (again).

When I was in school and in college, these institutions would have "fun runs."

I HATE running.

I'll walk. I'll skate. I'll swim. I'll ski. I'll dance. I just hate running.

These would be a few miles long, and I stubbornly chose to walk them. I can walk all day long.

I found it fascinating how people would take off at a full sprint at the beginning of these things and then, somewhere past the halfway point, be vomiting. The longer the run, the more it was an accomplishment just to finish.

I had a cousin who would compete in Iron Man marathons, in which she biked, swam, and then ran to the end. Everyone cheered every single person who made it to the end. As long as someone was still coming, most of the onlookers remained to cheer for them when they finished. If you could win this race, that was great, but the real goal for most people was just finishing.

Was this aiming too low? Shouldn't we all try to win?

Perhaps.

I think it really depends on the race and the obstacle.

I don't think there will ever be a race to climb Mt. Everest the fastest. The goal is just to accomplish it and stay alive. The race would be unfair because it would depend on the weather, the path chosen, the equipment, the team, and many other factors. The task is so difficult that getting to the top is the whole point.

Some things in life are like Mt. Everest. Some trials are just that hard. When everyone else is quitting life in their various ways, God promises that we will finish and not be exhausted at the finish line. He won't carry us, but he will give us the strength. He isn't just going to be waiting to catch us when we fall; he will be our energy, our drive, our coffee (Oops, how did that get there?).

SO, if you are tired and weary, you are not alone. God may choose this time to carry you, but even if you have to walk through the fire or the valley of the shadow of death, he has a plan that includes giving you the strength to fly, run, and walk!